So…. I’m doing a thing.
After researching and adding to my cart and never pressing order and the what ifs and maybe it would work… I finally did.
The past few weeks, and maybe even months if I’m being honest, have been a slow but steady downward spiral. Without going into much detail, life in general has been hard and not so great. I’ve let my mental state fall to the wayside and, unfortunately, haven’t handled the downfall well. It was suggest that I get on medication (more like thrown in my face) and, while I’ve been on medication several times in the past to combat anxiety and depression, I wanted to try an alternate route.
Medication, in the past, has been both amazing for me, and… not so amazing. Pre-pregnancy I was on medication and felt it truly helped me stay calm, level and a happy medium of all things feelings and emotions. I wasn’t numb… but I wasn’t so extreme, either. Post-partum, medication did not work quite as well. I’m almost 4 years away from pregnancy, but the rough time I had with medication on my last go round is honestly not a journey I want to take again. I was completely numb. And, for all the times I’ve been called “too sensitive” I’ll say, “Yep! I am!”. I’d rather be too much of something as opposed to a void of emotions. Which is how I felt before and I feel like I lost a good chunk time during my child’s first year.
Enter CBD. It’s absolutely the “new craze” and “everyone” seems to be doing it. I did my own research and found that it didn’t seem like I had anything to lose… From what I read most people seemed to see results fairly quickly, there are few side effects, and no, Kathy, I’m not going to be high.
But…. I’m also a pretty skeptical person. When things seem to good to be true, most of the time they are in fact, too good to be true. So a magic pill (err…drop) that helps me mentally without side effects, no expensive doctor visits, or high copays, or dealing with pharmacies and shopping around for best prices, and it can be delivered to my door?… yeah… you see where I’m going. Sounds too good.
So. I decided to document. I’m sure writing down all of my feelings will be therapeutic in its own way. And, it will be nice to go back and compare the “tone” of my writing. I can read journals and tell moments in my life that I’m having a hard time by the words I use and even my handwriting.
I also realize that eating healthy and working out are important elements to improving my mental health. For the sake of science, and holding myself accountable, I’m going to attempt to drink my body weight in water daily (which is currently 150… still baby weight? Like I said, my son is 3 1/2, so whatever!), workout for at least 30 minutes daily (even if it’s just a short walk or yoga in my home), and eat healthy. I’m not going to starve myself or deprive myself; rather, I’m going to eat sensibly, avoid fast food and junk food, limit myself to water and coffee (no alcohol), and use portion control. If I want a burger, I’m gonna eat a burger… I’ll just have a salad instead of fries. Bye bye Chick-fil-a! We’ll meet again, one sweet day.
I’m also going to document my days: my work outs, meals, water intake, and how I’m feeling, both physically and mentally. So, here we go!
Day 1: Today, and most of this weekend and week… has been bad. I’ve cried, I’ve argued, I’ve felt like giving up. I’ve picked up my phone and put it back down, because I honestly didn’t know who to call. This single element made me miss my sister and my grandma tremendously; they were both always great listeners when I was feeling down. They never judged or tried to help, they were just there and made me feel loved.
Physically, I haven’t slept well this entire weekend. I’ve laid down around 11 every night, exhausted, but unable to sleep. One night I stayed up reading, another night I was restless and couldn’t relax or find any activity to do that kept my mind occupied. I ended up watching a movie but don’t really think I paid attention to it. I’ve woken up when my son has gotten up around 8 each morning. I think I saw 3 o’clock each night. I typically sleep very well, so being up all night was difficult for me and not my norm. One morning I did go back to sleep for around 2 hours, passed out in my living room while my son was wild, loud, and playing.
I don’t think I’ve smiled much this weekend. My mood has been awful, I’m irritable, and the slightest (or not so slight) “things” have made me cry. Or curse. Or both, mostly.
My chest has hurt. I’ve had headaches. I’ve got swollen eyes (and a swollen nose) from crying. Yes, I’ve cried so much my nose is swollen. My entire back aches. I’ve been very clumsy. I fell in my driveway and partially ripped my toenail off my large toe–so that’s throbbing. I’ve noticed myself clenching my jaw often and grinding my teeth. When I tell myself to relax my mouth I’m almost concerned about how “sore” the muscles in my jaw are once they are at rest.
When I’ve tried to talk (read: argue) with my husband, my thoughts are cloudy, my words don’t come out, and I get all flustered.
Diet: I cooked bacon for my son and had 2 pieces with my morning coffee, black. Around mid morning I had an apple as a snack. I drank water throughout the morning. For lunch I warmed up a burger, with provolone cheese and a bun, no condiments. My son ate a hotdog and I ate half of his leftover banana. I had a second cup of coffee, but only drank about half of it. During my walk I drank a large Corkcicle full of water while walking and downed another as soon as I got home. For dinner I’m going to have a large salad with chicken and ranch. If I’m still hungry after dinner I’ll probably have an apple and a spoonful of peanut butter as a “snack/dessert”.
Workout: Jase (my son) and I went for a walk outside in the afternoon. It was hot but the sun felt amazing. There was a slight breeze and I realized I haven’t been out of the house much since probably Wednesday… so, that probably hasn’t been good. We walked for one hour and got in 3.2 miles. When I got back home I plopped on the couch and realized my head feels clearer.
CBD: I did some more research, compared a few brands, and I’ve ordered a CBD Oil / Full Spectrum Hemp Extract. I decided to start with 300 mg in a 15 ml tincture. Once I’ve used the product, and continued my research, I’m happy to share information. But, for now, I don’t want to influence what others may or may not use as I’m not an expert. This is simply what I found to best meet my needs at this time.
So… here’s to Day 1. It’s just the beginning and I’ve gotta commit to this, but it at least feels good to have a plan in place and be “doing” something to better myself.
Day 2: I ate well today! Sausage and coffee for breakfast. A banana for an early morning snack. Salad topped with chicken and an orange for lunch. An apple and nuts as a late afternoon snack, and a meal shake for dinner. I didn’t drink as much water as needed but am still trying to drink some before bed.
I work part time and Mondays are the one day I do a full day in the office. But… I still worked out when I got home. A relaxing yoga before bed! I typically think I have to do something hard core for it to count as a workout, but this felt nice.
I slept well last night. I had a hard time going to bed, but once asleep slept soundly and didn’t feel too groggy when I finally got up. I didn’t feel tired today at work and didn’t feel super on edge. I wouldn’t say I felt “happy” today, but I didn’t feel pissed, either.
All in all, an average day. Not amazing, but not too bad, either. I’m proud of myself for working out tonight after a long day of work!
Day 3: I woke up on my own and without an alarm clock at 6:15. Not sure if it was because of a coughing spell or what… but I was wide awake. No one else in my family was awake so I sat up and read a bit. When my son woke I went downstairs and we eased into our day. I made coffee for me and milk for him, and I quickly finished up some paperwork while he played for about an hour. I took some breaks to help him build towers and push cars and throw balls, so 20 minutes of “quick work” took me much longer but it was okay. I have all day to do whatever I need so I tried to not let it stress me out… I typically like to “get things done” but I tried to just enjoy the easy morning.
Once paperwork was finished I cooked up breakfast; bacon and blueberries. I drank a second cup of coffee and Jase had water.
We then went for a 3 mile walk; 2 miles to a nearby park, then Jase played for around 20 minutes, then we walked the final mile home. Our walking time was about an hour.
After our walk we had lunch; Jase had a hot dog and applesauce and I had a salad with a chicken. Following lunch we ran errands around town. We came home and Jase took a nap and I finished some light housework, and took a nice long bath and read. So relaxing!!
I cooked dinner, pork chops, sweet potatoes and salad. I folded some laundry and felt VERY proud of the productive day that I’d had.
DAY 4: I slept hard the night before but woke up VERY hard. I hit snooze several times. I overslept and didn’t have time to make breakfast. I had some leftover shake in the fridge so I gulped that down and grabbed a bottle of water. I had coffee, too.
I worked today so I didn’t drink enough water or eat snacks like I should have. I did come home and eat a hearty lunch (leftovers from the night before) and after that felt pretty good. I was tired this morning but after working all day and eating, I actually felt energized. I tried to drink a lot of water while I was home today. For dinner I ate leftover porkchops (I’m sick of porkchops at this point, this is why I hate leftovers…) and some zucchini pasta mac-n-cheese. Ehhh… everyone has raved about it… but I wasn’t that impressed.
I was all set to do a nighttime yoga routine and about 2 minutes in my son got out of bed at 10:30 crying. So… we are in bed watching a movie instead. After three days of working out I’m sure my body could use a rest day; first thing tomorrow morning we are going for a walk!
Today was a good day; I was productive with both my speech job and LimeLife business, I maintained the housework that I needed, and I’m all set for a day off work tomorrow, so that I can attend to deep cleaning and cooking!